Why aren't you in Las Vegas yet? You gotta go gamble and fight and lay in the sun or something. It's America's Playground. I don't think I'll be able to make the Nevada trip anytime soon, I figured I'd go there the virtual way! Wow, that's so lame. Regardless, this week we begin a new feature... The Tournament of Vegas. Each day (though likely less frequently) we'll take a look at a new Las Vegas casino, learning about the hotel, the shows, the clubs, and the other stuff, like shampoo bottles. At the end, you might even get a chance to vote on your favorite casino, provided I can get the polling thing working again. So without further ado, tournamentofstuff.com presents the Tournament of Stuff Tournament of Vegas!
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Mandalay Bay
You've certainly noticed Mandalay Bay if you've ever been on the Las Vegas strip. It's the casino made entirely of gold! It's also the casino with an incredible pool. The huge pool is actually a manmade beach; so there's sand and waves. Mandelay Bay is frequently host to big boxing matches, so keep your eyes peeled for Oscar De La Hoya, Fernando Vargas, and Clubber Lang. The Mandalay Bay has a really good buffet restaurant, too. Oh yeah, and there's gambling.
To do: Mandalay Bay is host to Mama Mia, the musical full of ABBA music, so if you're into that, well... go nuts. There's also Shark Reef, a nifty aquarium full of sharks. But don't be misled. There aren't actually any great whites there. There is a House of Blues, though, and maybe you'll see Sean Paul or Rob Zombie. But really, just hit the beach. It's awesome.
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 | Luxor
The Luxor is the casino in Las Vegas that's shaped like a pyramid. If you've made your reservations at the Luxor, you'll see that the rooms are slanted, due to the weird shape of the hotel. So in a way, staying at the Luxor is like staying in the attic... you might bump your head on the wall at some point. The theme of the resort is ancient Egypt, so be sure to see the Sphynx just outside, and wear sandals, since the entire place is covered in sand. Kidding.
To do: Be sure to catch the Blue Man Group, former TOS contestants and current Intel pitchmen. They're hanging out at the Luxor, probably leaving blue handprints all over the walls, Tobias style. Ra is a really fun nightclub if you're into that sort of thing, though it's full of camels. The Luxor spa is a good place to get a massage... not sure if the Egyptian theme continues within, but you can be sure you'll be in the lap of Luxor-y. Oh that joke pained me. No really, my stomach actually hurts.
 | Circus Circus
How can I put this nicely? Circus Circus is kind of... lame. It's a casino themed like a circus, which is a cute idea, but the execution just pales next to some of the newer fancier casinos. Really, Circus Circus is the hotel casino for people who try to pretend that Las Vegas isn't just about gambling. Yes, there are frequent circus acts on the casino floor, which is cool if you like to see a trapeze artist spinning above you while you gamble. Yes, the cocktail waitresses are all wearing clown makeup, which is horrifying (and not true). Yes, there are wild animals roaming about the casino, but most of them will do tricks if you know the correct commands. Some of the blackjack tables actually have bears for dealers! Incredible!
To do: Catch the circus acts. Play some carnival games at the Midway. Take the kids to The Adventuredome, an indoor theme park featuring The SpongeBob SquarePants 4-D Ride. Wow, there is zero chance that's annoying.
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|  | Stratosphere
The Stratosphere is the casino with the huge tower. 1149 feet, to be exact, which makes it the tallest building west of the Mississippi River, and probably the tallest casino anywhere, though I haven't confirmed it. They have everything all the casinos have: craps, blackjack, poker, roulette... all that stuff. But higher! I wonder if you laid the Startosphere down whether it would reach all the way to the other end of the strip. Probably not.
To do: There are three thrill rides on top of the tower: Big Shot, X Scream and Insanity. There are also a bunch of shows, inclduding Bite, which is about vampires. Sexy vampires. Uh-huh. There's also one of those American Superstars, which is one of those celebrity impersonator shows.
 | Treasure Island
Treasure Island is the casino right on the stip with a huge pirate ship out front! (There's also a Treasure Island in the Grand Cayman Islands, but you can distinguish them by noting that this one is in the desert.) Lately, Treasure Island has reinvented itself as a hip resort, and they call themselves T.I. Instead of the old family friendly pirate show, there's now an act called "Sirens of T.I." which is basically the Pussycat Dolls only on a boat. Still, it's a fun casino, with slots, cards, dice, the whole thing. And pirates!
To do: Sirens of TI is worth seeing, corny or not. Mystere is one of several Cirque du Soleil shows in Las Vegas, and it's a good one. It's the one with the creepy baby. Tangerine promotes itself as a burlesque club, but don't get too excited. It's a lot of waiting for a five minute show. There's a nice outdoor patio, though. MIST is another bar at TI, but I've never been. Sounds ok.
 | Mirage
The Mirage is actually there, no matter what people try to tell you. There's a giant volcano out front that actually erupts. Neat! Like most nice casinos, it has a spa, big suites, plenty of restaurants. The mirage was also home to Siegfried and Roy before the... uh... incident. There's even golf, meeting halls, and a great pool.
To do: The Mirage is home to lots of wildlife, from the Secret Garden & Dolphin Habitat to the White Tigers and Aquarium. They've even got their own Tropical Rainforest!
 | Caesars
Caesars is big. Very big. You might think you can just walk through, but it might take you a day to get through the Forum shops alone. Don't underestimate. So yeah, this is the place that's based on ancient Rome, and brother, they kind of pull it off. Besides the casino, which has a great sports book, there's lots to see here. Talking statues, a giant Trojan Horse outside FAO Schwarz, Cleopatra's barge, cocktail waitresses dressed in tunics... it's a fun, fun casino.
To do: So much to do. You like Celine Dion? See her show, A New Day. Elton John is at Caesar's, too, with The Red Piano. The Garden of the Gods Pool is an incredible sight. Buy something at The Forum Shops. Get your dance on at PURE.
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|  | Bellagio
I'm not sure if it's corny or not, but the Bellagio Fountains are among my favorite things in the world. Love 'em. Besides the fountains and their Andrea Bocelli music, the Bellagio is simply a classy casino. It's a very popular spot for weddings. There's great fine dining. Cool clubs like Light. And gallons of water shooting up into the air every fifteen minutes! Don't miss the incredible stained glass sculpture in the lobby.
To do: The Bellagio casinos is home to O from Cirque du Soleil. There's the Botanical Gardens and restaurants like Le Cirque. And The fountains. Gotta love the fountains.
 | New York, New York
Start spreadin' the news. New York, New York was built to look like the New York skyline, from the Statue of Liberty to the Empire State Building. Inside, you can get NY style pizza, hot dogs, and you might even get mugged! Kidding. This casino is home to golfing and skydiving, perhaps. There's an ESPN Zone which is a great place to catch the games if you're there during any sort of sports season. You know, anytime.
To do: There's Zumanity, the kinda dirty show from Cirque du Soleil. Rita Rudner performs. (Meh.) There's a roller coaster that shoots through the casino! There's a Coyote Ugly bar, and if you loved the movie, what's wrong with you? Just kidding I liked it.
 | Excalibur
Here's the deal with the Excalibur. It's not the classiest casino in Las Vegas, but it is the one that's all Medieval. It's shaped like King Arthur's castle, and Merlin that comes out and slays a dragon... skip this, it is incredibly lame. This hotel is not going to blow your mind, but it's on the strip, so why complain. And there's suits of armor everywhere, so that's cool, right? I'm trying, here. Um... some people spell it Excaliber, Excalebur or Excalabur. That's wrong. Hey, check it out, another dragon!
To do: The Tournament of Kings is a medieval dinner show with horses and knights and jousting and all that. Thunder from Down Under is like Chippendales, only Australian. Hmm. Louie Anderson is like Chippendales, too, only not at all. Fantasy Faire Midway has arcade games... ok, you're not gonna gamble here, are you?
 | MGM Grand
The MGM Grand is that big green thing you can see from the airplane. This casino is quite proud of its connection to the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer film studio, so there's tons of Wizard of Oz memorabila to be found. The MGM also plays host to many boxing events. There are also tons of lions just roaming around the casino. Also, gambling! Who knew?
To do: MGM Grand has KA, yet another Cirque du Soleil production, this one with giant crabs (seriously!). There's a club called Tabu, a cabaret show (y'know, showgirls) called La Femme, which is French for... something. MGM Grand also has Studio 54, which is probably less cocaine-intensive than the original club. And yes, there is The Lion Habitat where lions lay in awkward positions against glass walls.
 | Aladdin
The Aladdin is one of the hardest casinos to spell. Is it Alladdin, Aladin, Alladin, or Aladdin? All those double letters and gambling don't mix. I'm trying to play poker here. Keno is a big deal at the Aladdin, so if you're into Keno, have at it. There's an Elemis spa, so even if you feel like you're in the desert, you won't. Soon the Aladdin is being converted to the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino, so you can be assured that no celebrities will ever visit.
To do: Check out the Desert Passage, tons of shops there, from Ann Taylor to Z Gallerie. There's also a show called The Sunset Strip Band, which I have to be honest, looks awful.
 | Paris
Paris Las Vegas. It's an incredible thing, really. We took all the things we like about France... the monuments, the food, the putting "Le" before words, and we stuck them all together in Nevada. And we added gambling. The architecture of the casino is cool: there's an Eiffel Tower, an Arc de Triomphe, and La Fontaine des Mers. There's the Paris Opera House, the Hotel de Ville and the Louvre. Nifty! There's plenty of shopping available, in stores with French names like "Lunettes," "La Vogue," and "L’Oasis." Lots of great restaurants, including Ortanique and Mon Ami Gabi, which is French for "My Friend Gabi." (And you were expecting a joke there.)
To do: Get a cabana at the pool, or hit the Paris spa. Go clubbing at Risqué de Paris. Take a ride to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Punch a mime.
 | Venetian
The Venetian is one of the classiest casinos in Las Vegas. (Have you ever noticed how "classy" is one of the least classy words? No one with actual class ever uses the word "Classy.") Nevertheless, the Venetian offers lots of gaming, including poker, high-limit slots, baccarat, blackjack, and roulette. The suites are stunning displays of luxury. Did I mention there are canals running through the casino? Just like in Venice! Get it now? Great restaurants, from AquaKnox to Zeffirino Ristorante. Bouchon, too!
To do: The Venetian is home to an art museum. You heard me. Masterpieces from the Hermitage Museum is now featuring the work of Rubens and his contemporaries. The Phantom of the Opera is coming soon. Blue Man Group performs at the Venetian. Tao Nightclub is themed like an Asian Temple. If you're sore the next day, check out the Canyon Ranch SpaClub. Visit Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and meet everyone from George Clooney to Hugh Hefner. Sorta. Or take a ride through the canals on a Gondola, while a gondolier sings to you in Italian.
 | Ballys
Bally's (not "Ballys," there's an apostrophe) is the casino with the nifty rainbow walkway. There's no volcano, or pirates, or dragons, but there is a monorail stop. They do offer tennis, golf, and have a great spa. There are poker tournaments, lots of fun table games, from mini baccarat to Pai Gow Poker. They have Pai Gow Tiles and Carribean Stud Poker. Lots of gaming fun to be had.
To do: If you're into the whole showgirls thing, Bally's has Jubilee!, a long-running show that defies definition. But there's pretty girls in it. The Price is Right Live gives you a chance to play the popular CBS game show. According to ballys.com, games include "Plinko, Cliffhanger, Hole in One, In The Bag, The Big Wheel, [and] Race Game." There's good eatin's at al Dente, Chang’s At Bally’s, and Sterling Brunch.
 | Flamingo
Bugsy Siegel, we thank you for the Flamingo. One of the last old Vegas casinos left on the strip, the Flamingo features gambling inside a lush wildlife habitat. Craps, blackjack, and roulette all take on a different meaning when you've ducked under the flashing pink feathers that make up the Flamingo's famous sign.
To do: Do you like Jimmy Buffet? What's wrong with you? Anyway, you'll enjoy Margaritaville, a Jimmy Buffet-themed restaurant. George Wallace performs there regularly. No, not the "segregation forever" guy. The comedian. There's a UPS Store. Ample parking. Heck, why not buy a commemorative brick? The monorail stops nearby.
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