The "Hottest Idiot on TV" Award

Elisha Cuthbert - "24"

Sure, you wish Kim was the one who conked her head; maybe it would've knocked some sense into her. But you pull for her, because she's smokin' hot, and because she's Jack's kid, and Jack is the king.

The "At Least She Wasn't Justin" Award

Ryan Starr - "American Idol"

I know, I know, Ryan wasn't much of a singer. And her fashion sense was screwy, to say the least. But she was eye candy, and even Jim Verraros' dad can appreciate that. 

The "Shazam" Award

Beyonce Knowles - Austin Powers in Goldmember

There are three things I remember much about the latest AP movie. 1. The first ten minutes. 2. Beyonce's inspired comic performance. 3. I paid $11 to get in. $11! What is that all about?

The "Hottest Girl In A Show You've Never Seen" Award

Kristen Miller - "She Spies"

This show might have been cancelled by now. Who knows? It comes on at, like, 1 in the morning. But it's still one of the smartest, funniest, hippest shows on tv. And the girls are hot.

The "Wait, Does This Mean Spider-Man Is Gay?" Award

Kirsten Dunst - Spider-Man

No, you idiots. Peter can't be with M.J. because he knows about the potential threat on her life. Good grief.

The "Best Reason To Watch Reality TV" Award

Brynn - "The Real World"

Because she initiated the greatest moment in "Real World" history. Trishelle. Steven. Brynn. Hot tub. And it gets even better when we get to see Trishelle regretting it the next day.

The "Dude, You're Hot" Award

The Girl From The Dell Commercials

Annoying, I know, but hot. I wish my company hired interns that looked like her. Come to think of it, I wish my company would hire anyone.

The "Hottest Chick In A Movie I Didn't See" Award

Kate Bosworth - Blue Crush

I didn't see the flick, but judging from the poster, I should've. Would you look at that girl? And it had surfing in it! I like surfing! Well, Internet surfing. Sigh...

The "Silver Medal. No Wait, Gold" Award

Jamie Sale - Uh... Ice Skating

I didn't see one second of the Olympics. The only thing I know about ice skating is that I'd like to shove Scott Hamilton down a staircase. But when Jamie Sale and that other guy, what's his face, had that whole problem with the crooked judge, I felt awful. Just awful.

The "Hottest Chick Who's Parents Got Killed By A Meteor" Award

Kristin Kreuk - "Smallville"

At this point, some of you might be thinking that this was just a sneaky way for me to mention all the tv shows I like. That's crazy. There's no hot girls on "The Simpsons." And don't say Maude Flanders, 'cause she's dead.

The "Just Give Her The Apple Juice Back" Award

Eve - Barbershop

I didn't hear Jesse Jackson complaining about Eve, did you? Listen, all you Raelians out there. You want to clone Eve? Use this one. Wow that was lame.

The "Hottest Overall" Award

Jennifer Garner - Alias

Jennifer, if you're reading this, I love you.