Untitled: October 10
So this baboon, see, he decided to figure out how to fly. I know, that's a lot to wrap your head around, but stick with me.
He did not live in a zoo. This was not about figuring out how to fly so that he could leave the zoo. He wasn't a captive anywhere, and this was no Dedalus-style escape plan, so let that notion go. Not even sure how you came up with it.
This was just a baboon, gripped by the urge to fly. Oh, because he's a baboon he doesn't imagine flying? All right, so now you're an expert on baboons and what they think about. I'm sorry if I seem combative, but I'm quite passionate about this tale. It’s quite inspirational, if you give it a chance.
Wait, are baboons the ones with the red butts? All right, just making sure. Yeah, he was a baboon. I am sure of it because he had a big red butt. It was incredible, like someone just beat up a bowl of fruit and he sat in it. She. She sat in it. Apparently females are the ones with the big red butts. So. OK.
Right, anyway, so she decided to figure out how to fly. See, humans think of flying as this big deal, something only birds and bats and bugs can do, because we are so sure that we're so different from all the other animals. As if there's some huge wall separating us from the rest of the crowd.
Thus, there is no way we can fly, and the only way we see it happening is in the most outlandish of stories... Peter Pan, Superman, that sort of stuff. But it's always defined with a demeaning term, like fantasy, or science fiction.
Similarly, it's fantasy to see animals acting like humans. Like a bear wearing a hat, we think it's hilarious, because that's outrageous that a bear would wear a hat. That's what humans do.
You know that section of "Us" Magazine where they show celebrities, like, pumping gas, or picking their nose, and it says "Celebrities, they're just like us?" It's like that. Kind of. We need to be convinced that celebrities aren't behind this big wall, and that’s the way it should be with animals. Wow, ok, I have gotten way off topic.
So where was I? Oh, ok... see all the other animals aren't so arrogant. They don't think that way. They don't say, okay, there's a bird, it's flying, birds fly, therefore only birds fly and I don't. No. So a baboon doesn't hesitate to figure out how to fly. You might say she just thinks "why not?" but she doesn't even think that. She just goes for it.
Aaaaanyway, there’s the phone, so I gotta get going, but long story short, that's why there's a hairy mangled mass of baboon guts on the sidewalk outside my apartment building.
Escape Through Time!
As the vampire came closer, Alan knew he had only one chance to escape. He leapt into his time machine, closing the door just before the vampire could strike. He set the dials to three thousand years in the future, exhaling as the machine warmed, shook, and finally lunged through time.
Seconds later, Alan felt the machine’s engines slow and stop. He checked the dials. Sure enough, he was three thousand years from when he’d left. “Awesome,” he thought. Opening the door of the time machine, however, he was surprised to find the vampire waiting outside.
“Oh, right… Vampires are immortal,” remembered Alan, as the creature leapt on him and bit him on the throat.
In Response To Your Personal Ad
To be honest, I prefer a gin and tonic to pina coladas. I find the taste of coconut unpleasant, and it tends to overwhelm the flavor of a pina colada.
I have been caught in the rain, and did not enjoy it. Really, it wouldn't be so bad, but for the wet socks. Wet socks are the worst. They're also the reason I avoid any log flume rides at amusement parks.
I am not into yoga, per say. Or exercise at all, for that matter.
I not only have half a brain, I also have two of them. Halves, that is. I hope this will suffice.
Making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape is something I cannot support. Trespassing on those dunes is strictly prohibited by state law. As you may be aware, there is a $1000 fine for even stepping onto the dunes, so you can imagine the penalty for a midnight tryst.
Now that I think about it, perhaps this isn't going to work out.
Danny Makes Plans
I want to ride a panda. I am betting no one has ever ridden a panda before.
There was a guy, on the internet, or "America's Funniest Home Videos," or something, he rode a moose. His buddy taped the whole thing. There was a moose on their porch, and the guy snuck up to it, and was quiet, quiet... like Elmer Fudd quiet. Then he grabbed the horns, or antlers... whatever they're called, and swung himself around onto the moose's back. He didn't last long, the moose tossed him like... like something. That moose was not happy.
In the end, the point is not that the guy was an idiot, or even that he was a jerk, but that he rode a moose.
But a panda. I am reasonably sure that nobody's ridden a panda. Yet.
Reasons:
- Pandas are like bears, and bears are dangerous. No one sane would try to ride a bear.
- However, it is that very insanity that has driven people to actually ride a bear! But real bears. Grizzlies. Polar bears. Black bears. Not pandas... pandas are just cute enough that an insane person, even one looking to ride a bear, would bypass it in favor of a really crazy bear. If you see where I'm going.
- Pandas are rare. So even if some enterprising nut with a bear-riding jones actually did settle on a panda, he would have a great deal of difficulty finding one.
- Pandas are especially rare in the United States, where, lets be honest, most of these nuts acutally live. People in China don't go around hopping on any animal. That's just not how they are. That probably sounds racist, but it's not. It's a compliment.
I should emphasize, at this point, that I'm not insane. I'm not an idiot, like the guy and the moose, or even a jerk. I'm a guy who wants to do something that no one has ever done before.
So. Before I even begin looking into actually riding the panda, I need to be certain that I'd be the first. Because otherwise the entire enterprise will be a waste of time.
I've got a lot of work to do.
